Perfection

A lot of people have been telling me how pretty and how fun i am. But i don't believe any of that shit. I feel like when people say they love me they don't truly even mean it. At times i feel like the world is just a bunch of shit and that God brought us here to play stupid fucking games. Then again maybe my break down has to do with being depressed again. I thought everything was suppose to be going fine. that for once in my life that i could feel normal like everyone els. But i guess that would be boring right? to not have problems that need fixing. I'm not saying that fixing ur own problems is bad, but i would like a break from it. 15 years of solving my own and other peoples problems is to much. The thing that really kinda puts me on the edge is when people are telling me i'm skinny. I'm not fucking skinny, i know that and i don't really like being lied to. I also have an eating disorder i guess because i don't eat anything. But it doesn't seem like a problem to my counselor, i need to lose weight. Once i get almost under weight then people will see how i needed help then. Maybe I'm just freaking out about everything because i haven't self injured my self in like 2 months, but the problem is that now everything feels worse and me breaking down is bringing me closer to doing it everyday.
for once i wanna feel like the girl who has got everything and not many problems
-Melissa

Is this Happiness???

I'm surprised I've been talking to more people which is good because its better then not talking to anyone. I don't know what happened one day I'm talking to no one and the next day I'm some kind of social butterfly. I like it because i have more friends now which is always good, i still feel bored most of the time but I feel pretty happy in school now. Oh my gosh i had to give a speech today about my future career/life, i was so nervous, like i couldn't get the right words out of my mouth. Its just because I'm shy and that's only because i haven't talked to anyone in that class till now, I'm also doing pretty well in school i do my homework. I cant wait to see if I'll be like this in high school, i really hope i am because freshman year i need to make a lot of friends. mostly girls because i hang out with like all guys so yea, lately I've been finding myself to drink lots of Monster which is an energy drink if you didn't know that. I love music it's so beautiful i find it to have different emotions on me, i listen to my music all the time it puts me to sleep even if its some heavy metal song I'll fall asleep. this weekend I'm going to my aunts house for memorial day yea so I'm going there tomorrow after school, wow my life would be so much easier if i could drive i could hang out with my friends on the weekends and my mom couldn't really say "no" if i had my homework finished and good grades i can so not wait for that day hopefully i get invited to some wild and crazy party in high school that's one of my other goals. Like you know one of those parties were like the parents are out of town and the kid throws this insane party, yea i would be there. So i hope this happiness lasts forever cause i need it in my life. I HATE YOU ALL <3 :).

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST

For some reason i think my depression is getting worse or better i don't know and i don't think i care. I'm starting to spray paint my room, which if my parents ever saw they would probably kill me. not to mention if my parents ever found out that i have a boyfriend that they don't approve of i would be again dead. I've been finding a lot of things my parents would kill for me. But i don't really give a dam anymore I'm 14 and i don't know if how I'm acting is normal, I mean my friends don't really act like that except my boyfriend witch is different I'm not going out with annoying Alden any more. And it kinda sucks but he was a loser so i had to dumb him. I love my new Boy friend he really sweet and hes not a loser, he can actually fight and hes athletic so i usually lose weight when I'm hanging out with him. we walk to my house after school like every day but then we go to Photo's for ice cream.I've also smoked once, it was okay but nothing happened i didn't feel like crazy or anything i just felt calm. i also now go to a therapist. He doesn't really do anything i mean i tell him all the bad stuff i do and he just wants to know more about it. its weird cause hes only gave me some advice and that was when my mom was in the room, so i think he was just trying to impress her with his so called knowledge and wisdom. You know what i don't think therapist really care what you problems are, they just want your money, just think about it they have other people talking to them about stuff and so I'm sure they really don't give a dam. That sucks though because the more i believe that the less i believe in therapy, and i think i need therapy because I'm kinda messed up but i cant get everything out that i want to say, which puts me no were. my thing is killing things now NOT PEOPLE OR ANIMALS!!! just like plants and nature i think its fun, it makes me feel powerful i also like destroying things maybe i do it to get out all the pain inside of me. okay i don't want to make this to long so bye. I HATE U ALL <3 :)

school 4-12-10

so toaday is monday I am soo tired haha today after school my friend was like gosh you smell soo good its like driving me crazy and i was like uhhh okay. thanks?
oh i had my confirmation graduation yesterday and thats where i become an adult in my church and im incharge of my own faith. so yesterday was a very fun day and i got alot of money and when i say alot i mean ALOT it was crazy cause one of my friends gave me $50 and then i also got another $50 and thats just from 2 cards i hade to open like 15 so im rich right now lol. I whish i had no homework but i do. am i gonna do it? probly not but u know whatever. i also might be geting a job this summer and i start when i get off of summer school because this is gonna be my first year of high school so i need to be prepared so i can get better grades and stuff like that and i am 2 points away in reading & writting and 1 point away in math from being in a regular class with no modifications and my study hall counts as a credit were its usually not so i might have enough credits from the study hall and if i take summer school for like 3 years i might have enough credits to garduate early or sleep in late or get of school early. which that just makes me enthusiastic cause im geting my perment when im 15 so i can like just go to breakfast or get an early start on homework and thats going to be sweeet.

that was unixpected

omg so i just found out my best friend got dumped by his girl again because she was afraid of ruining their friendship. what the fuck doesnt that just make it worse. yes it does i know from experience and usually spliting up and geting back together almost never works. but then again my boyfriend and i split up a year ago because i found out he only liked me for my looks and he wouldnt ever talk. but i have to aggre with him i did look pretty fricking awsome in 7th grade mostly because i was skinny. but know i still look good but im not that skinny but whatever it comes and goes. my relationship with him is really strong and thats because i made him hang out with my friends and i made him talk. truely i love spending evrey second with him. yet we could still say nothing to each other and we have a good time and omg when he wears kinda of a tight shirt and one of his awsome jackets its super sexy and then hes like way taller then me so thats a bonus. my family loves him and my friends like him 2 and evreyone says were a cute couple some people will even walk up to us and say that were a hot couple. we just laugh and exchange looks. some how i kinda feel like whats going on in my life is like the twilight series i often look at my life and compair how its like the books. i have a boyfriend who looks like a vampire and a best friend who is in love with me and thinks im great which is so weird cause its almost like the books. so anyways i couldnt stop reading Breaking Dawn (the last book of the twilgiht series) and Bella is doing amazing for a newborn vampire and she can hold Renesmee and not kill her cause Renesmee is half human half vampire; and Bella stopped herself when she was hunting and she smelt human blood and held her breath and ran away and Edward was veary impresed. Renesmee seems like such a cute babbie because she reaches for Bella whenever shes around and i find that super cute. so any way i have one more day of school till the weekend and my bodey requires sleep and my hand is cramping so good night.

bored

so im just sitting her doing nothing and im sick of coming home and doing nothing i fell so unsocial and i dont see why i cant just be like any other preppy teenager . i want to have friends besides all boys. i want to be a cheerleader and be skinny and look good in anythign and pull of any look. and most of all i want to have STRAIGH HAIR instead of this no good mess on my head i cant even brush it because if i so it just puffs up and i look like i have an affro so i have to wake up in the break of dawn to do this mess i call mi hair oh and when i have chorus in the morning its even worse today my evil dad woke me up at like 5:30am because i hade to do my hair get dressed and eat and then sing at 7:09am and i have to go to chorus like 3 times early and 1 time after school. but u know i woke up slapped myslef in the face and said okay u can do this u just have like a bazzziling days till u gratuate jounior high, high school, and not to mention college. oh yea pluse there is work and hopefully when i get married and have a stable job and a house i can easily pay for i will be blessed with little bundles of joy i want like 3 and they will all be somewhat close together i want 2 girls and 1 boy just like my mom had. i am the oldest my sister is in the middle and i have a crazy little brother. but i dont live with them sadly. i live with my grandma and grandpa but i call them mom and dad and they have adopted me when i was like 3 so i love them veary much. but i often wounder what it would be like to live with siblings that are younger than me it would probly be crazy and somewhat stressfull. when i get older i dont want my oldest or any of my children having to get adopted by anyone els. i want my oldest to be like me well not just like me because i do have some problems that i dont ever want her to live through i just dont want her to be a snob or one of those super sluts. i want her to be smart and have friends she can trust i want her to play an instrement so she can learn how to read music and hear the sweet tunes of a band playing a wounderful song that takes her away for a few minutes. i also hope she has a nice voice and hopefully she will be in plays and sing in chorus like i. the middle child she will be a rebel but nothing to the extrem like running away or doing drugs and drinking. but hopefully she is veary social and smart. the middle child probly wont be in chourus and band or plays. but i imagine her playing sports and i imagine her veary skinny and somewhat tall. the youngest will be a momys boy and he will get away with anything and he'll be super smart. and my husband i imagine my boyfriend right now even though it probly wont happen i whish it was going to be true cause his parents are super nice and funny and my boyfriend looks like a vampire no joke and sometimes he even lloks like Edward Cullen i mean hes super hottt to me but others might not think so he treats me like im a prinsess and hes always had ever since i met him like 1 year ago. well thats all for now byyyyy

school 2-10-10

so today is the first day of my blogging. school was okay like it is any other day but i hate it so much i hate the way teachers yell at u if u have something on your hand. so in math class i hade this writting on my knuckels that says HATE LOVE. so any way one of the helpers was like go wash your hands and as i gave her an evil glare i got up and washed them; i could not fight or talk back and say why do i have to i mean alot of the other girls have writting on their hands and alot of them dont get yelled at. after i had washed my hands i returned and one of the people i was working with was like ("melissa, it looks like u carved that in") my other friend ("well yea she probly did i mean she is emo") it was just purple pen and there was no need to say that i was emo. at that momment i didnt know what would happen would i get introble? would she tell someone? all of the questions ran through my head and i was preparing to get introble or have to explain something. but no the helper just sat there and i went back to my work it was so weird i mean what was i so paraniod about it was just a joke. so anyway in reading/writing class we were reading a book called tree girl and b.t.w that is an amazing freaking book. anyway so we had a sub because our teacjer couldnt join us till the 6th period so the sub made people read a chapter and it was a boring moment becuase they read super slow exept for one kid. and omg this one girl read and had no emotion whats so ever and i found my self having to read ahead. reading and writing class is my favorite because i love reading books with some kind of self conflict or lots of emotion. plus if u havent noticed i love writing lol. oh also we have a poetry unit that were working on and its really fun but i just whish that i could put my real emotions into my poems but no i cant some of them are to graphic and messed up the last thing i want is having a meeting with the school counseler, my parents, my teacher, and the princapal so no i must fake evreything. when i go to the school counseler i can hardly get my emotions out and part of that because she figured out that i probly dont have many problems. well she is so wrong my life is messed up. and i often wounder why there are bad people in the world but bad cannot exist without good and thats what kind of world we live in now days.